Ah, Mark's Commodore 64. That once-cutting-edge piece of technology that he managed to keep using well into the 1990s. I was at least two steps ahead of Mark on the computer evolutionary ladder, yet he was able to squeeze things out of that little C64 that I wasn't sure my 386 with a whopping 640k of RAM and a VGA card could do. Whether it was actual working video games (I still wonder if Earl the Tomb Robber has anything to do with Tomb Raider), quality animations or just odd stuff, he really knew which buttons to push on that thing.
So one day we're hanging in the basement, as we always did, and Mark rushes downstairs, having just checked the mail. In his hand is a small manilla envelope containing a 5.25" floppy disk. He shoots us all a conspiratorial grin, pulling the door closed behind him. "Porn," he says, pointing to the disk, immediately prompting the person seated at the C64 to make room for the new arrival. I notice that Mark has taken precautions to prevent his parents seeing the smut (the closed door), but his impressionable young brother has remained in the room with us. You gotta love priorities like that.

So he puts in the disk, types in LOAD "*",8,1 or whatever it was you were supposed to type to make things go on that computer... and we all crowd around to see the porn. What we see is an image I will never forget.

It's animated, but only in the loosest possible definition of the word: the 4-color, extremely caricatured cartoon picture flips back between two frames of action every 3 seconds or so. Both frames depict a couple on the beach, having sex in the traditional "doggie style" position. In the first frame, the man (labelled "Ede") thrusts inward, clearly pleasing his partner (labelled "Katrin"). In the second frame, he thrusts back out again.

But that's not the best part. This endless thrusting loop is being presented with musical accompaniment. It's about the quality and complexity of one of those singing greeting cards, but the tune is undeniably catchy. (Some text on the screen indicates what we're hearing is called "Farm Song.")

But that's not the best part. The best part is when the song plays through once completely. The animation stops, and a male voice comes through Mark's speakers. We debated for a long time over what he said, exactly, but it was obvious the words weren't in English. None of us were able to pin down what language it was, or what it might translate to. Phonetically, it sounded like "Mmm, vas eestedorf NAKKIH!" And it was perhaps the greatest thing any of us had ever seen.

 


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